It’s been a long year, for various reasons, and I’ve let this blogging thing go so far to the back of my mind. I haven’t for the most part felt capable of sharing things publicly, especially as I’m beginning a new life journey and trying to remove myself from much of the past.
What I’m going to share is tough. This year hasn’t really been so great (although it has had wonderful moments and blessings). I’ve been unwell for a long time, and I’ve fallen back into a habit of masking my struggles from everyone around me. One day I will learn that gets me nowhere.
Today, the lovely GP at my university’s medical centre put through my referral to the specialist eating disorder service here in Salford. While many of my fellow Freshers will be out enjoying free food and copious amounts of alcohol, I will be finding the time to fit outpatient treatment around lectures and deadlines.
I’m lucky. I have a support system I can rely on, I have friends and family and church, I have passions that keep me going. But I am also so broken, and it’s simply going to take time and work to undo that.
A long time ago I set out to be transparent, to showcase a life, raw and unfiltered so people might gain insight into living with mental illness. I wanted to use my struggles as an inspiration to others, and I still do.
I haven’t been posting as I didn’t want to inadvertently become a “pro-anorexic” blog, I definitely don’t want to showcase unhealthy behaviours. So if I go quiet for a while, it’s because I’m working through my problems in private and I will make my thoughts public when it’s healthy and appropriate to do so. I want my message to be positive, so while I’ll never deny the difficulties in my life, sometimes it isn’t the appropriate message I want to publish.
I hope to return to this blog soon with some fresh ideas, adventures, and a new realness to share.