#TalkingAboutIt: Getting Real

It’s been a long year, for various reasons, and I’ve let this blogging thing go so far to the back of my mind. I haven’t for the most part felt capable of sharing things publicly, especially as I’m beginning a new life journey and trying to remove myself from much of the past.

What I’m going to share is tough. This year hasn’t really been so great (although it has had wonderful moments and blessings). I’ve been unwell for a long time, and I’ve fallen back into a habit of masking my struggles from everyone around me. One day I will learn that gets me nowhere.

Today, the lovely GP at my university’s medical centre put through my referral to the specialist eating disorder service here in Salford. While many of my fellow Freshers will be out enjoying free food and copious amounts of alcohol, I will be finding the time to fit outpatient treatment around lectures and deadlines.

I’m lucky. I have a support system I can rely on, I have friends and family and church, I have passions that keep me going. But I am also so broken, and it’s simply going to take time and work to undo that.

A long time ago I set out to be transparent, to showcase a life, raw and unfiltered so people might gain insight into living with mental illness. I wanted to use my struggles as an inspiration to others, and I still do.

I haven’t been posting as I didn’t want to inadvertently become a “pro-anorexic” blog, I definitely don’t want to showcase unhealthy behaviours. So if I go quiet for a while, it’s because I’m working through my problems in private and I will make my thoughts public when it’s healthy and appropriate to do so. I want my message to be positive, so while I’ll never deny the difficulties in my life, sometimes it isn’t the appropriate message I want to publish.

I hope to return to this blog soon with some fresh ideas, adventures, and a new realness to share.

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Surviving Easter in Relapse

So Easter is the time of chocolate eggs and bunnies right?… nope.

Thankfully my family is pretty much ignorant of Easter festivities, so I’m saved from the bombardment of chocolate that is typical of the holiday. In fact the only chocolate I have is a small Lindt bunny and a bag of Dairy Milk mini eggs from church, small things I can split out over many days rather than one binge. 

Easter happens to fall on a day I normally spend at the gym, which was unfortunately closed due to the holiday. So my weekly routine was slightly upset, but the added bank holiday off work means I can make up for it today. 

Otherwise I’ve managed okay this weekend. Thanks to an early period and chronic sleep deprivation, I was more inclined to nap right through. As is, I allowed myself to celebrate Easter and enjoy a bit of chocolate without going over the edge. Likewise I didn’t push too much the other way in not allowing myself any extra calories at all. I’m averaging out at 800-1000 per day for this week (yes that’s way lower than recommended, hence me not recommending it – I happen to have IBS which means I struggle to digest a lot of food so my calories are permanently lower than average even without an eating disorder to contend with).

That’s how I survived the holiday, now I just need to catch up on a pile of work before I go back on Wednesday.

Photo of my Easter haul