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The First Mile Is Always Harder…

Undermine – Hayden Panettiere (as Juliette Barnes in Nashville)

First off, I wanted to add the song straight into the post but apparently WordPress doesn’t have that feature freely available, so I have linked the Youtube version. The post title comes directly from this song, so it’s actually relevant and not just there for fun.

Today has been a little bit of a roller coaster ride. To be fair, most of my life to this point has been a roller coaster ride, very much deserving of the hash tag #lifesupsanddowns. I won’t go into all the details, everyone has their own crap in life, perhaps there’s no need for me to tell my life story. Just the pieces that are important to this post.

As of midnight I will be 362 complete days into a journey that felt impossible to me not that long ago. That’s 362 days that at various points I sincerely thought I wouldn’t have. That’s 1 day closer to the first full year mark in a long journey of recovery that I committed to a year ago this Sunday.

I’m not the only one to make this journey, and I certainly won’t be the last, but I’ve begun to feel that maybe I’m looking at it from a different perspective to others who have come here before me. In one of the support forums I’m a member of, it is often posted that we fall down for a single day of this journey that we should really start counting the days all over again. But this isn’t the way I feel we should test the strength of recovery. My journey has not been perfect. There have been many missteps, many days where my recovery wasn’t as strong as I’d like, days when relapse seemed inevitable. Yet there was not one single day when I stopped wanting to recover, when I let go of the commitment to making this journey. That’s how I measure the success of my recovery. If ever a day comes when I wholeheartedly abandon this commitment, if ever I choose to let the darkness back in, that’s when I’ll reset the counter and begin again at the beginning of the path. Yet still, I wouldn’t wish to see that as a complete failure. The focusing on negatives and failures was how the darkness got it’s foothold. I choose to see the positives so that the light is able to chase away the dark.



Hi! My name is Kerry-Mae, and I live near Manchester, UK. I mostly post on my Diary of a Nervous Girl personal blog, although I have another creative blog called Wicked Lovely Creations. Almost everything I post currently is related to a personal journey through mental illness, having lived with severe anxiety disorder from early childhood.

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