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A sadness that’s impossible to heal…

Not so positive today, although not completely doom and gloom either.

There are moments when a thought or memory or an item comes up and triggers a kind of sadness that I feel may never truly heal.

All these moments relate to a single thing, something I will never be able to have, which is why I may never stop feeling that twinge of sadness in connection with it.

I lost my mum sixteen years ago this year. I was barely five years old at the time and I have no memories of my short time with her. So I can’t really miss her, more that I have to miss the idea of her. And that hurts.

I have to see other people have relationships with their mothers. It feels to me like a world I am permanently excluded from. That hurts even worse.

They say you can’t miss what you never had, but I’m not sure that the saying is true. Like I say, I might not actually be missing the person as I don’t remember the person. But I am certainly missing the idea of the person. I miss all the things that should have happened had that person existed in my life. I miss all the things that will not happen because that person is never going to be in my life.

In many ways that’s the worst thing to miss, as it can never be real, as it was never real in the first place.

Sorry if that is sad, I try not be sad or focus on the negatives in life. I know this sadness will subside for periods between the triggers and reminders. In those periods I will be content in being the bright, happy person my mother would have wanted me to be. But I’ll always wish that she was here to see it and to tell me she was proud of me and that she loved me.

Sometimes simply knowing that in my heart isn’t enough to convince me it’s true.

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Author:

Hi! My name is Kerry-Mae, and I live near Manchester, UK. I mostly post on my Diary of a Nervous Girl personal blog, although I have another creative blog called Wicked Lovely Creations. Almost everything I post currently is related to a personal journey through mental illness, having lived with severe anxiety disorder from early childhood.

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