We all have fears. Metaphorical monsters under our beds. Things that go bump in the night.
For many people this fear is fleeting. There for a moment before dissipating under the logic of reality.
For some, this fear cuts deep. It’s an unignorable sensation so strong, so tangible that in that instance the fear is able to permeate our entire being.
For me, that deep unignorable fear is what controls my past, future and current reality. It never stops, not even for a second. I live with it in every moment of every day. Some moments are just so much harder than others.
The moment before deciding to write this, that was one such moment. For a brief minute, maybe 2 or even 3, the fear was so intense so focused that it swallowed my reality. For that moment my future was wiped out. That deep fear came out in full force to persuade me that a normal, happy future is impossible for me. That any future is doomed to be a failure.
I hate that fear. I’ve grown up with that fear, from being a tiny child clinging to my father’s hand like my life depended on it. That fear has taken so much of my life already, and I am determined not to let it swallow my future so easily.
Which is why I am writing this. Voicing my fears aloud. Taking ownership of them, of how they affect me every day. Hopefully I can look upon these words and be reminded that, in this moment, my fear did not destroy me.